100 years of newspapers boiled, but no nutritive content found
—SimCity 4 News Flash
Alien spills beans. Passes wind through shot-
proof glass. Says: My secret? It’s out — Finally,
Hell applies a fixed price on souls. Tacky, but
necessary, confirms state representative. Blame it
on Chinese fakes — Bigfoot hatches from an egg on
top of a pyramid. Can read “2001: A Space
Odyssey” aloud to tourists — Russian space
shuttle runs on mutant roaches! — A rifle shot
during the night makes a farmer’s leg grow on
a grapevine — The boogeyman finally
tells all: I was a teenage closet queen — It
can only be real! Nostradamus’ butt
hair appears every Friday night on dirty but-
ter knives — Fist fight for parking space
gives rise to a new religion. Shoppers attest: It
tastes like chicken — Werewolf pierced with shot,
discovers feminine side. Admits finally
able to apply lipstick — Televisions on
stand-by mode may be Martians hitting on
women. Housewives confess not interested, but
available on the shopping network — Finally,
Siamese twin calls extra body parts a waste of space.
Donates everything to cannery — A mug shot
of the Headless Horseman sells for $3M. It
is highway robbery. I’m betting he did it
with mirrors, rants the Invisible Man — On
parole, Doomsday has been given another shot
at Hollywood. Rarely sober on its own, but
still considered one of Nature’s space
cadets — In Alabama, a UFO has finally
been identified. Its appeal to the senate: to finally
be addressed in conversations as John — Satan is it!
God claims to have tagged him first in outer space
before the holy brawl — Scientists clone Elvis’ head on
his guitar. Just like the real thing, they say, but
look Ma no hands — Sleeping with a sawed-off shot-
gun finally approved as safer than safe sex on
a bear rug — Is it nature calling? A faulty eject but-
ton sends deer hunter to space inside a rabies shot!
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